Mood Gone Haywire

Something was wrong with my 'aerial' today.... Couldn't connect to anyone today...hmm.... It's the old feeling revisiting...the feeling I really hate the most.

I don't know what was bugging me....but something was definitely wrong. Started off fine...then around lunchtime...I felt myself sinking into an unmistakably familiar...yet unwelcomed mood. Yeah, once again, the feeling of being in the crowd but not part of it.

Everyone has a particular...issue that bothers them once in a while. For me...well, I've always been struggling with this type of loneliness, if I can call it that. It's really bizarre, actually...since I've never seen myself as someone who would have problems being social, but yeah... Maybe it's because I'm so social that I have this problem...a need for reassurance that I'm not just some decoration on the wall. I really have an issue huh?

I've been pretty free from this feeling since, I don't know, a pretty long time. But I guess, occasionally, things like these need to come back and haunt you for a while. Maybe the hiatus made the feeling grow stronger...like some form of accumulation or stagnation, but it really hit me hard. I couldn't find the energy to just...be my usual cheerful self...or maybe I didn't want to, I don't know...

It's like, someone pushed you off a really high cliff...but you don't want to try opening the parachute 'cause you're enjoying the fall. Yeah, something like that. It's not a feeling I like, but I need to steep myself in it once in a while. I believe people call this feeling 'Solitude', something that's not necessarily nice, but necessary...I believe it's necessary for me anyway. It's at times like these I sit down and get in touch with myself...I spend a lot of time with people, so much that sometimes, I forget that I'm a person too...I too need to talk to myself sometimes.

So yeah...I was just...immersing myself in the feeling... At one point, I think I was throwing a tantrum...a quiet tantrum. But at who or what? Beats me. Then I told myself, look, remember what you always say to all those depressed friends about feeling depressed? Give yourself time to mourn, then get over it! So yeah....I realised I couldn't snap out of it...the intensity was really different, I guess it must be because I haven't been down for so long, so I did what I usually do when I hit rock bottom.

I starting writing on a piece of paper....using writing as a medium to talk to my inner self...and let the writing just flow till I hit the main cause...which I did, I guess...because that's when I feel the words flow like they needed to be said, and I could no longer write legibly....I was literally scribbling across the paper. I could feel my expression hardening, changing...and finally, I came to the end of the rant.... Then I tore the paper to bits....a little symbolism, I guess...as a sign to tell myself that this issue has been said, dissected and gotten over with. Then slowly in class, my mood picked up till I was finally laughing again at Ms. Winnee's sarcastic jokes.

Moments like these make me think that no one is immune to feeling down at times. (Yes, even a person who seems like she only sees the bright side of things) But I guess the most important thing about the whole issue is how you handle the emotions...how to experience it without letting it take control over you, and learning to carefully dissipitate the emotions....so you don't hurt others or yourself. I'm still feeling some of the repercussions of the 'episode'...still in a quiet mood...especially since it's a 'Rainy Night', yes, Junsu? But I think after some sleep, I'll be back to becoming a loud and bright Sarah again.